


Home Is You Coming Back

by littlesnowpea



Series: someday this pain will be useful to you [3]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Depression, First Time, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-23
Updated: 2012-05-23
Packaged: 2017-11-05 15:04:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/407825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlesnowpea/pseuds/littlesnowpea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When you love someone, you hold onto them until the very last second.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Home Is You Coming Back

**Author's Note:**

> Any and all mentions of rape/non-con are just mentions and nothing graphic, but a good chunk of this part deals with the resulting emotions and trauma, so I decided to be safe. Final part of this trilogy. It's happier, I promise! This is also the first sex scene I had ever written, so bear that in mind.

Antti was extremely familiar with the feeling of worthlessness. He knew intimately how it felt to believe you were unwanted, unworthy, insignificant, and so very small. He knew what it felt like to be hurt night after night, how it felt to not have a voice in what happened to him, how it felt to be unable to stand up for himself. 

Thanks to Cristobal, Antti knew how it felt to be low.

For a long time, Antti believed he’d never feel differently, with or without Cristobal. For a long time, Antti lived feeling like he didn’t belong, like he wasn’t worthy of anything. He felt useless, and no matter how much Brian told him otherwise, he couldn’t bring himself to believe it. He didn’t have any hope left.

“ _It gets better, Antti.”_

“ _Does it?”_

There are moments where Antti still kind of feels that way. After games where he couldn’t seem to bring himself to perform to his standards, when he let in goals that shouldn’t have been goals, when he saw the hurt on Logan’s face-the baby of the team, they had an unspoken agreement not to hurt Logan, whatever they did- and he knew it was his fault. Those moments. 

He tried, he really did. He pushed those thoughts away, he stopped himself from shutting out the world in his apartment, he _talked_ more- to the team, to coach, even to reporters- he refused to be a recluse. He did everything in his power to try and claw out of the deep hole that his ex had left him in- he fought tooth and nail to shove the memory of Cristobal away. When he did feel like he felt during that relationship, it wasn’t because he didn’t try to fight it. To hell with that idea.

Everyone knows Antti’s a fighter.

So, he fought, and the feelings came and went, but ultimately what kept them away most of the time was less of what Antti did and more of what another person did.

His name was Thomas Greiss. 

\--

**_February 2010_ **

 

_“Antti!”_

_Vancouver International was loud as hell. The blond Finn was staring around him with wide blue eyes, debating just turning around and flying back to Chicago when he heard the call, the only Finnish in a swarm of French and English. Eyes searched for the source desperately until a tall man waving madly came into view._

_Lips stretching into the first real smile in months, Antti weaved through the crowd until he found himself in front of Antero. His friend- more like his brother, he certainly acted like an older brother would- smiled back just as widely, slipping his sunglasses off his face._

_“Hei, Antero,” and Antti found himself wrapped in a fierce embrace. He dropped his bag and returned the hug, burying his face into Antero’s shoulder with a small sigh of relief._

_Cristobal would not find him here._

_He was safe._

_Right?_

_Pushing those thoughts aside, he leaned back and looked at Antero, who reached out and ruffled Antti’s hair quickly._

_“Lopeta tuo,” Antti said with a false scowl that Antero managed to see right through. The man just laughed and did it again before releasing him and turning to the three others with him. Antti felt his mouth go dry- he hadn’t realized others were here, and Cristobal-related anxiety reared up within him once more. As if on cue, he heard his phone ring, the tone he’d designated for his boyfriend making his blood run cold._

_“Kuka se on?” Antero asked lightly, his tone suggesting he already knew the answer. Antti swallowed thickly and shrugged. A small huff from Antero before one of the guests interrupted._

_“Hey, you must be Antti,” the tallest man Antti had ever seen in his life held out his hand for an introduction and Antti tentatively shook it, a small smile accompanying the blush on his face._

_“Hi,” he offered quietly, ignoring the exasperated sigh and nudge Antero gave him. To his immense relief, the enormous man gently smiled brilliantly back._

_“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” he replied. “I’m Joe, Joe Thornton, and this is-”_

_“Evgeni,” the much shorter man that Thornton was attempting to introduce smoothly interrupted and also shook his head. “Evgeni Nabokov.”_

_“It’s nice to meet you,” Antti managed, amazed the words were able to leave his mouth._

_He was currently meeting players from the San Jose Sharks and he was having a small problem with breathing._

_“They’re playing for their national teams,” Antero explained, English for the benefit of his friends. “Preparing themselves to lose to Finland.”_

_“That’s what you think,” Thornton said easily. “Hey- where’s-”_

_“Thomas,” and the owner of the voice elbowed his way past Thornton to hold out his hand. “Thomas Greiss, and they never told me how absolutely attractive you are.”_

_Antti coughed and turned about eighteen shades of red at once, fighting back a laugh, a smile and the urge to faint._

_He was not a woman, he thought to himself, and it worked right up until the darker man KISSED HIS HAND and Antti just about died._

_“Easy,” Antero said menacingly, and- what was his name?- smiled cheekily and released his hand with a wink._

_“Nice to meet you,” and the German accent was hot as hell already, but combined with what came next-_

_“Antti.”_

_This was not what Antti expected in the best possible way._

_\--_

__ Once upon a time, Thomas Greiss was diagnosed with depression. 

It sounds like the beginning of a bad fairy tale that a drunk parent would tell their kid, but this is Thomas. Thomas had always found it easier to deal with certain things if he treated them like a joke. _Constantly._ So, he did. 

In his head, if he allowed a goal, or made a bad play, or rode the bench behind Evgeni Nabokov, he just laughed to himself and thought “oh, it must be the depression.”

He had that permanent goofy smile of his face whenever anyone looked at him, and inside his head, he ridiculed his own emotions, and everything was fine and dandy. It was fucking _glorious_ , as a matter of fact, and _fuck you if you thought any different, Nabs. You’re wrong._

Thomas Greiss was fine, and he refused to even mention the word _depression_ around the outside world. he didn’t tell _anyone,_ up to and including his sister- who probably deserved to know. He didn’t care, it hurt to much to even think about or imagine the looks on their faces if he let it slip, it _hurt_ to think that anyone would blame themselves.

Really, it was just that Thomas had shit luck. Everything that he got in life was followed by complete and utter crap because that’s what God thought of Thomas, apparently. He got a spot on an NHL team, but constantly rode the bench. He was able to find himself while in California, rediscover things he’d hidden away, but when he told his family, he lost all of them but his sister.

He fell in love for the first time in his life- to a man twice his age and taken. Thomas would rather die a thousand deaths than be a homewrecker, especially to a friend as treasured as Evgeni Nabokov was, so he suffered in silence.

So, see, it wasn’t anyone’s fault. It was just that God had it out for him. That’s all. 

God lovingly continued this road of Thomas Greiss Destruction in Vancouver, after he was named to Team Germany, and this time the destruction had a name.

It was Antti Niemi, and he was fucking _attractive._

\--

_**February 2010** _

_**  
**_

_Thomas briefly considered punching Evgeni in the face. His resolve to be as nonviolent as possible was being further and further tested and Evgeni’s fucking smirk was not helping anything at all, period._

_“Come out of your room, Thomas,” he mimicked under his breath. “Come have dinner with me, my perfect, stupid, better than you boyfriend, and someone you don’t know!”_

_He paraphrased._

_Sending an (unwarranted) glare at the entwined hands of the couple in front of him, he mimed hanging himself, ignoring the horrified looks of the people in the airport._

_“There he is!” Evgeni piped up and Thomas fought hard against an eyeroll, staying firmly put as the other two walked up to meet their_ friend.

_Friends, Thomas’ brain automatically corrected himself as the aforementioned man untangled himself from a fierce hug, and then his brain helpfully shorted out because_ **_holy shit_ ** _that man is gorgeous._

_Thomas blinked stupidly before he gave himself a semi-drunken shake and rushed to join the others, not even aware of the words tumbling from his mouth. He was only aware of the deep red blush steadily covering the other and how fucking adorable that was._

_Running out of words but desperate to keep the blush going, Thomas kissed the man’s hand._

\--

That damn poodle liked Antti more than she liked _Thomas_ and Thomas had owned her for like five years. He tried not to be offended at a _dog_ and when Antti saw his face he just laughed. 

“What’s wrong?” he teased and Thomas scowled.

“Nothing,” he muttered and Antti smirked at him, provoking another scowl that looked suspiciously like a pout from the German. Antti shook his head, a small smile lingering on his lips. 

“Thank you for driving me,”Antti changed the subject like a pro and Thomas was momentarily thrown for a loop before he remembered _yeah_ Antti was at his house for a reason and he should probably focus.

“No problem,” he said easily, his voice sounding cool and collected in his head. In reality, it came out slightly choked, and Antti raised an eyebrow.

Thomas cleared his throat.

“Probably allergies,” he said dismissively. “It’s April.”

Antti made a noise of agreement and leaned down again to scratch the damn poodle behind her ears.

“ _Stupid!”_ Thomas told her in German, and she huffed in response. “ _How am I supposed to compete with you, huh?”_

Heidi shoved her face into Antti’s arm as if to give Thomas a dog middle finger.

“What did you say to her?” Antti laughed as the dog licked his fingers. Thomas flushed and shrugged.

“I told her she’s a good dog,” he lied smoothly and Heidi glared lazily at him.

“She is,” Antti agreed and ruffled the curly black fur. In a valiant attempt to conceal the shit eating grin that was invading Thomas’ face, the German quickly crossed his living room to the kitchen, pulling open the fridge to search for the water bottles he’d left there last night. He pulled one out, hesitated, and pulled out another.

“Do you want water?” he asked, avoiding actually turning around to face the other man. 

“Uh, sure,” and even his voice sounded like he was smiling, damnit. This couldn’t be healthy for Thomas’ heart. Taking a deep breath to try and control himself like a grown-ass man should, he closed the fridge and walked back over to Antti and that stupid dog. He handed the bottle down to the blonde and cleared his throat again.

“I, uh, have to go get my car,” Thomas explained, gesturing vaguely towards the underground garage. “I’ll be right back.”

“Ok,” Antti said with a smile that should be illegal, and Thomas grabbed his keys from the coffee table.

He mentally punched himself in the face as he walked out the door.

Antti watched him go and sighed deeply, scratching Heidi on the head when she grew impatient. 

“What do you think?” he asked her, and she sneezed.

“Bless you,” Antti laughed and stood to get his things together for practice. 

\-- 

“Making up for something?” Antti asked dryly as he climbed up into the passenger seat with a smirk. “And by the way, this is a truck, not a car. Even I know that.”

Thomas glared at the _hysterical_ blond. Oh yeah, tears of laughter definitely streaming down his face. Definitely. Fucking _hilarious._

“Excuse me, I have nothing to make up for,” he informed the smug man, who laughed.

“Uh-huh,” he said sarcastically. “I’m sure.” Thomas glared at him and put the truck in gear.

“Unbelievable,” he began, ignoring the eye roll he was sure was directed at him. “I offer you a ride because your car broke down-”

“You offered me a ride before you knew my car broke down,” Antti corrected and Thomas groaned.

“You were getting a ride from _Antero_ ,” he emphasized. “Giving you a ride was a favor to the entire _team._ How do you think we’d do in the playoffs if you got maimed from Antero’s driving?”

Antti laughed without a trace of sarcasm this time, and ran his hands through his hair, pink tinting his face.

“I suppose you deserve a medal,” Antti conceded when he could control himself and Thomas smiled triumphantly.

“Although that would probably only help make up for the issue that your truck does,” and now Thomas wanted to upend his water on the other goalie. 

“That’s it, you can _walk_ to practice,” he threatened, and Antti snorted.

“We’re on the freeway,” he pointed out and Thomas groaned. 

“And coach thinks you’re quiet and reserved,” he muttered to the amusement of Antti.

“And everyone you ever sleep with thinks-”

“I AM NOT MAKING UP FOR ANYTHING.”

“The first step is admitting you have a problem,” Antti said, undeterred. Thomas briefly debated the merits of pulling off the freeway and really making the other man walk before settling on another groan.

Antti patted his back.

“You’ll get through this,” he said in a passable imitation of soothing and Thomas sighed.

What about Antti did he like again?

\--

“Hey, uh, Antti?” Antti looked up from the skates he was re-lacing, eyebrows knitted in surprise as Antero plopped on the seat next to him. The other Finn was looking at him with an expression that was dangerously close to critical and Antti did his best to derail his friend’s thoughts with an annoyed glare.

“What?” Antti asked and Antero cleared his throat, casting a glance around at the locker room that he knew perfectly well was empty. Antti raised an eyebrow as Antero fiddled with his sunglasses for a few minutes before he sighed and set aside his skate, reaching out and laying a hand over Antero’s trembling hands. 

“What?” he asked again, his tone now soft instead of harsh. Antero looked up to meet his gaze and  his eyes looked like they were swimming with tears, shocking Antti.

“Anter-”

“ _Can I ask you something?_ ” Antero interrupted, the Finnish replacing English seemingly without thought. His voice caught and he searched Antti’s face for an answer. Struck dumb momentarily, Antti nodded, swallowing. 

Antero looked down at his hands, breathing shaky. He lifted both hands and covered Antti’s with them, sunglasses tumbling to the ground. He squeezed Antti’s hand briefly, steeling himself.

“ _Do you remember, in Vancouver,”_ he began slowly. “ _When we were at dinner the first night you were there?”_

_“Kyllä,”_ Antti confirmed softly, eyes locked on Antero. The other man nodded and finally met Antti’s gaze. 

“ _You didn’t tell me, but I could tell you knew I was figuring it out,”_ Antero continued and Antti felt his heart drop fast and he was shaking his head before Antero could continue.

_“Antero, ei,”_ he begged softly. “ _Please.”_

Antero ignored him. 

_“I should’ve just asked you, but I knew you’d lie,”_ Antero said and Antti felt tears begin climbing his throat. He wanted to cover his ears, leave the room, anything but talk about this, _please_ , but Antero was beyond listening. 

_“I answered your phone once, when I thought it was him,”_ Antti balked at the words, tried to pull away, but Antero held fast. _“It wasn’t him, don’t start, but it was someone else, someone who told me.”_

_“Who-_ ”

_“They didn’t say.”_ Antti knew it was a lie. _“But they told me what- what was happening and I- I should have done something. I should have stopped it.”_

_“Ei, Antero.”_

_“I should have,”_ Antero cleared his throat. He leaned forward and pressed his forehead to Antti’s shoulder, and Antti felt like he was suffocating. _“I’m sorry.”_

Antti opened his mouth, but before the words could leave, he realized Antero was pulling at the collar of his t-shirt and it happened to fast for Antti to stop and Antero could _see,_ he could _see_ the scars Antti tried so hard to cover every day.

It killed him. He tried to pull away, to run, to hide, because he was trying so hard to move on, but Antero held fast. 

_Exhale._

“I’m sorry,” Antero repeated, English this time, and Antti threw his arms around him, burying his face into the other Finn’s shoulder and holding on for dear life. 

\--

The entire time the phone was ringing, Thomas was alternating between wanting to vomit and wanting to smash something large and solid on his head. 

He was a moron. Nobody in the history of ever got this fucking nervous about a damn phone call. Nobody. What the hell is his problem? Seriously. 

“Hello?”

_Craaaaaaap._

“Hey, Antti?”

“Yes Thomas, who else would it be?” Thomas could _hear_ the damn smirk, and he would **never** let anyone else get away with using this much sarcasm on him, so why the _fuck-_

He stopped himself right there. Of course he knew why. He needed to stop being stupid _now._

“Damn, it is you,” he replied cheekily, and Antti snorted.

“Cute,” he said. “Very cute.”

“I try,” Thomas was grinning like an idiot.

“What’s up?” Antti asked, and Thomas swallowed hard, picking at his countertop to contain his anxiety. Praying his voice wouldn’t shake, he cleared his throat.

“I was just wondering if, um, you wanted to go get dinner sometime?” Thomas asked, heart pounding so hard he was a little worried he wouldn’t be able to calm it. His hand was trembling and he shoved it inside his sweatshirt pocket, chewing on his lip instead. 

“When?” Antti’s tone had changed completely, teasing suddenly gone. His voice was light but serious, and Thomas forced himself to breathe. He eyed the clock.

“Um....are you busy tonight?” he said, thanking every lucky star watching out for him that his voice didn’t crack on the question. Every second he waited for Antti’s answer felt like an eternity of not being able to breathe.

“Well, I’m going to dinner with you,” Antti finally, _finally_ replied, the teasing back in his voice. It was a different teasing, a kinder one, and Thomas swore up and down that he _didn’t_ blush. He did crack into a smile, though- he couldn’t help it, sue him. 

“Awesome,” Thomas said honestly, not bothering to come up with a witty retort. Antti laughed and it sounded like music.

Oh, God. Thomas was a walking book of cliches.

“So...I’ll see you at seven?” Thomas asked hopefully, and his cheeks hurt from the fucking smile but he didn’t give a shit. 

“Yeah,” Antti said. “That’s fine. In your compensating truck.”

“I am not compensating-”

Antti laughed and hung up on him, and Thomas stood at his kitchen counter, looking at his phone and grinning like the goddamn idiot he is.

\--

It was hot and sticky in Thomas’ room- the San Jose summer had crept up on them without warning, and Thomas had forgotten to turn on the air conditioning before they’d left for dinner. Antti really didn’t give a shit, though, and he told Thomas as much in between kisses and clenching hands. His heart jumped with every brush of lips against his and for all the façade he was putting on, it was still hard to breathe. His stomach was beginning to feel less than stable and he was pretty sure he was trembling a bit. 

He wanted to tell Thomas, explain everything, maybe warn him that Antti wasn’t entirely sure if he could go ahead with this or not, explain that the last sex he’d had made him cry himself to sleep, but he couldn’t _move_ , much less make his voice work. So instead, he buried his face into Thomas’ shoulder, kissed the skin there, and waited. 

The heat in the room was making Thomas sweat already, or maybe that was just what Antti was doing to him, because _fuck_ , that was one talented fucking mouth and imagining it maybe on certain other parts of him made his hips buck involuntarily forward and he groaned. Antti laughed breathlessly against his neck but suddenly, the sound seemed off somehow. Thomas paused his roaming hands, tightened his arms and pulled the Finnish man closer to him, listening for any indication that anything was different about him other than arousal.

“What- what are you doing?” _shit_ Antti’s voice really tested his resolve to put the brakes on, but Thomas swallowed thickly and stayed firm, holding the other man still. 

His suspicions were solidified by the small tremor that ran through the blond- not anything big, really, easy to be passed as a side effect of what they were- ahem- doing, but Thomas sincerely doubted it. He slid one hand up Antti’s back to cradle his head against his shoulder and pressed his lips right above Antti’s ear.

“Are you alright?” Thomas whispered, voice as soft as he could make it. The trembling was back, a little stronger, and the breaths he felt against his neck more uneven. He waited, heart hammering, on edge for any sound the other man made. 

Antti didn’t reply right away, instead pressing closer to Thomas like he was cold and expected Thomas to warm him, as if it was January instead of late June. Thomas felt his heart slowly drop- this alone was starting to confirm his fear. Something was definitely not alright with Antti and Thomas swallowed again and kissed the Finn’s cheek. 

“I’m fine,” Thomas nearly missed the whisper, but when it registered, he knew Antti was lying. Thomas had known the man since February of last year, been with him since April of this year, and he could tell when the other man wasn’t telling the whole truth. He just could, and right now Antti was flat-out lying.

“Bullshit,” Thomas replied and Antti huffed in frustration. 

“Let it go,” Antti said softly. “It’s not you.”

“I don’t care,” Thomas argued. “I don’t care if I’m not causing it, I want to fix it.”

“We’re in the middle of something.”

“Which is causing this.”

Antti pulled away, looking up into Thomas’ face. He was judging the degree of honesty in the words, Thomas realized, and he stared back steadily before leaning forward and kissing Antti gently. Antti made a small noise and kissed him back, sighing unhappily when Thomas pulled away. 

“Tell me?” Thomas asked, fighting to keep the note of pleading from his voice. Antti paused a moment before sighing and nodding, looking very much like he would regret this.

Thomas was determined to prove him wrong. 

\--

Thomas Greiss was not a violent person. He really wasn’t- he was easygoing and relaxed and it took a lot to get him mad, and even then, he was calm about it. He wasn’t like Evgeni, who was harsh and mean sometimes, or like Joe himself, who tended to blow up fast and calm down hours later, after shouting at the top of his lungs. 

Joe had only heard Thomas get angry once, and to be honest, it was bit fuzzy and drowned out by his own blind fury at the time- _still_ , his mind corrected-so, he was thrown completely off guard by the angry, venomous _rant_ he was hearing in a mix of English and biting German, and he had to blink and reorient himself to even begin to make sense of it.

“Thomas?”

“ _Ich möchte ihn töten!”_

“THOMAS!”

That cut the other man off mid-oath and he breathed heavily into the phone.

“Joe, I’m going to kill him. If I ever see him, I am going to kill him, I swear I am, I swear.” Thomas’ voice sounded at once defeated and _agonizingly_ sad. In a moment, the fury welled up again and Thomas spat a quick sentence in German and breathed again, shaky and attempting to calm himself. 

“I don’t know what to do,” the stark honesty in Thomas’ voice made Joe’s heart ache. He still had no idea what Thomas was going on about, but he recognized those words, that tone, that feeling- he’d felt it all before, still kind of did. Thomas sniffed hard, clearing his throat, and Joe realized he was choking back tears and now he was shocked.

“Thomas, stop. Breathe,” he ordered, waiting until he heard the young German man comply with his instructions. He glanced up to see Evgeni, sleep-rumpled, staring questioningly at Joe from the doorway. Joe beckoned him over and the other sat next to him, head resting on Joe’s shoulder.

“Explain what’s going on,” Joe told Thomas, voice gentle and acutely aware of Yevi listening to every word. 

“I don’t even know where to begin,” Thomas said honestly, and Joe could _see_ him run his hands trough his hair in pure frustration and Joe bit his lip in concern.

“Just tell me who you think you want to kill,” Joe suggested lightly, and Evgeni looked up in disbelief.

“ _Thomas?”_ he mouthed, eyes wide, and Joe nodded wryly. Evgeni looked shocked, and Joe’s emotions mirrored that perfectly. 

Thomas took a shuddering breath. 

“Same person you do,” he said, his voice low and tense and suddenly Joe’s heart took and angry leap and he reached out and wrapped an arm tight around Evgeni, like he could protect him from the mere mention of That Man. 

“What?” Joe’s voice betrayed his calm façade, and Yevi scooted closer, sensing something was off. Joe felt calmed by Evgeni’s nearness and briefly closed his eyes to control himself.

“I...um, I was told something today,” Thomas tried to explain. “By a, um, friend, that, um, he did the same thing to a person we know.”

Joe’s heart dropped.

“And also, the person he, um, did it to, was, um........” Thomas’ voice caught. “His boyfriend.”

Joe had no words. He sort of gaped into the distance, fingers clutching his phone so hard his knuckles were white. He pulled Evgeni closer and the man complied easily, wrapping his arms around Joe’s torso. 

“I just don’t know what to do.”

“Oh, Thomas,” Joe whispered, voice hoarse. “Who? Who, Thomas?”

“I can’t- I can’t say right now.” Thomas was adamant and Joe could see an argument would be fruitless. 

“Alright,” Joe accepted. 

“I’m gonna- I have to go,” Thomas said. “I just-”

“Try and breathe,” Joe advised. “And just- do the same as before.” He did not mention Evgeni’s name, he refused to ever say _when Evgeni was raped_ , especially not with the man in the room, but Thomas understood.

“Ok,” he said quietly. “Ok.”

“Go,” Joe said gently, and hung up the phone, turning instantly to capture Yevi’s lips with his own.

\--

Antti was awakened from blissful sleep by someone _touching him_ and he groaned, cracking his eyes open, ready to convey his absolute displeasure to Thomas because _really_ Antti was comfortable and warm and _asleep_ and now he was _not_ happy.

“Good morning,” Thomas whispered, and Antti huffed, reaching up blindly to shove at Thomas’ chest. 

“Who says,” he grumbled, trying to turn over, and Thomas just laughed at him, a sound that definitely did not improve his mood.

“Babe,” Thomas whispered, pressing close to Antti’s back, fingers trailing over the Finn’s shoulders. When Antti did not respond, Thomas pushed himself up and leaned over Antti, kissing him softly.

“Anttiii,” he called and to his delight, the blond cracked an angry eye open to look at him. 

“Go away,” Antti whined, trying to pull a pillow over his head. Thomas would have none of that and grabbed ahold of Antti’s wrists, stilling him. He was rewarded with a full on pout and he just grinned. 

“How am I supposed to give you your birthday present if I go away?” Thomas asked into Antti’s ear, and the other man smiled and squinted up at him.

“Is my birthday present sleep?” he asked hopefully and Thomas laughed. 

“No,” he said lightly and Antti scowled.

“Do you at least have coffee for me at this hour?” Antti bitched and Thomas nuzzled his face into Antti’s neck, licking him mischievously just for the annoyed groan and shove he would get. 

“Of course I do,” Thomas said, voice wounded. “I cooked you breakfast, too!”

Antti just stared at him. 

“I don’t want food poisoning for my birthday,” he said slowly, eyes wary. Which, ok, yeah, Thomas wasn’t the best cook in the world, and yeah, he did get his sister sick one time, but _please_ , it was like the other man didn’t trust him or something!

“My cooking will not give you food poisoning,” he protested and Antti smirked. Thomas stuck his tongue out at him, prompting a full on laugh from the other.

“Besides,” Thomas informed his boyfriend. “I practiced for a long time.”

Antti raised an eyebrow disbelievingly.

“I guess I’ll try,” he finally conceded. “But I swear to God-”

The rest of his sentence was cut off by Thomas’ deep kiss, morning breath and all, and Antti wasn’t sure why he had wanted to go to sleep again anymore.

\--

“Well?” Thomas asked later, leaning over the back of his couch where Antti sat, curled up with another mug of coffee- a little milk, a lot of sugar, Thomas had it down by now- and the Finn looked up at him. 

“I guess it wasn’t so bad,” he teased, reaching up to drag Thomas’ face closer. “Only a little food poisoning.”

Thomas opened his mouth to protest, but Antti kissed him and pulled on his arm to get him to sit next to him on the long couch. Thomas obeyed, climbing over the back and landing nearly on top of Antti, who moved his coffee out of the way with a huff. Thomas laughed and pulled Antti over to him. 

“Can I have some?” he asked, indicating the coffee, and Antti gave him a surprised look. 

“You hate coffee,” he said dubiously, handing it over curiously. Thomas shrugged.

“I know, I just wanted to do this,” he explained, and promptly set the mug down on the side table, far out of reach of the now-fuming Finn. He grinned unapologetically and ignored the vaguely-threatening Finnish words he heard, reaching out to cradle Antti’s cheek and pulling him forward, kissing the protests out of his mouth.

Antti must not have been that mad about his coffee, or maybe he just like to kiss more, because he instantly leaned into Thomas, a little noise of content escaping without warning and Thomas smiled into Antti’s mouth. 

The German felt hands tangle in his hair and _yes, now he’s got him_ , because that was the one sure sign that Antti was peacefully blissed out and Thomas had him right where he wanted him.

Antti nudged his nose against Thomas’ as the other man pulled away briefly, and his eyes shone. Good lord, Thomas felt his heart clench and he wrapped his arms around the blond and flipped them around so that Thomas was pressing him into the couch. He held still there for a moment, eyes locked on Antti’s, and the Finn smiled up at him and that was _it_.

He couldn’t really remember how long they stayed like that, kissing and holding, but it didn’t even matter. Thomas ducked his head down to gently nip at Antti’s neck and Antti _whined_ , going still and breathing hard. Thomas grinned against the smooth skin, biting down again, one hand reaching up to gently hold Antti’s head away. The other man whimpered and pressed up into Thomas and _shit_ Thomas needed to learn to control himself better if he wanted to keep doing this. He pulled away from the hickey he’d been working into Antti’s neck, shutting his eyes and clenching his free hand in an effort to will himself to calm down.

“What’s wrong?” Thomas was pretty sure Antti’s voice was illegal in at least seven countries and it did approximately nothing to help the _certain part of his body that ignored everything he was trying to tell it._

“Hold on,” he eventually answered, what seemed like years later. Antti looked mildly confused.

“I’m trying to, um, calm down,” he attempted to elaborate, and understanding flickered across Antti’s face- followed swiftly by a devilish smirk.

“Antti-” he warned, but his threat never even had a chance to develop because Antti was arching up against him and _godfuckingdamnit_ Thomas could _not_ handle this. 

“ _Mein Gott,_ ” he hissed into the other man’s ear and the fucking smirk he felt against his shoulder went straight to the goddamn wrong place. Thomas groaned and went to touch but he froze.

Should he ask permission for this? Ask too much and he knew it annoyed Antti, but ask too little and Thomas felt like he frightened Antti (though the Finn vehemently denied it.) Thankfully, Antti sensed his deliberation and answered with a shove of his hips up against Thomas’, drawing out another tortured grunt and Thomas knew he had to flip the fucking tables fast or this would be out of his control. 

Antti moved to repeat the action and Thomas quickly reached down and palmed the Finn hard, attaching his teeth to Antti’s neck again. The reaction was _beautiful-_ Antti gasped and writhed against the German, a small whimper accompanying him. Ignoring the hard breathing, Thomas refused to relent, pulling Antti in for a filthy, deep kiss. 

“T-Thomas,” Antti’s voice was now illegal in twenty countries and a couple planets and Thomas sternly told his dick _no._

He didn’t answer, biting down again and sucking on the prominent hickey that hopefully wouldn’t fade for a nice long while. Antti fucking _moaned_ , and Thomas had no doubt that Antti could feel his dick swell against his hip. 

“T-T-Thomas, Thomas-” Antti’s voice was so thick with accent, Thomas almost couldn’t understand his own name. Antti reached up blindly and dug his nails into Thomas’ back through his t-shirt, whining and trying again. “ _Thomas!”_

Thomas immediately stopped, turning his face against Antti’s neck in hesitation.

“What, babe?” he asked, hoping his voice didn’t sound fucking terrified. _Shit_ , did he do something wrong?

Antti whined in frustration, pushing Thomas’ face out of his neck and pulling him in for a kiss. Thomas kissed back, heart hammering, and pulled away to see a smile that made him freeze for an entirely different reason.

He leaned down to capture those lips again but was stopped by a millimeter away. 

“Thomas?” It was barely a whisper, but Thomas heard it anyway, he could hear everything Antti said, always.

“Yeah?”

“Thomas, not on the couch.”

There was a really long pause while Thomas’ brain struggled to catch up with what he was _fucking hearing_ and tried to decide what it meant. Antti rolled his eyes at the confused look on Thomas’ face and ran his hands down the German’s back impatiently.

“In _bed_ ,” and fuckfuckfuck _fuck_ this was happening and Thomas could handle it, he really could, except where he didn’t know if he could, didn’t know if he knew how to do  it with without fucking up and he sort of felt dizzy and incapable of anything, really. Antti ran his fingers though his hair and laughed at him, jolting him back to reality.

Yeah, ok, this was happening. It was time. 

Thomas kissed Antti and rolled off him, holding out a hand to haul him off the couch. 

\--

“Wow,” Antti said, and Thomas wasn’t entirely sure he liked the tone in the Finn’s voice, giving him a look that told him so.

“Didn’t know that this was a dick-judging contest,” he said with a frown and Antti smirked cheekily. 

“It’s not,” he replied, fingers locked around the other’s neck and a shit eating grin on his face. “I’m just surprised you were telling the truth.”

Thomas paused in his roaming exploration of Antti’s chest and glanced up at him in confusion.

“What?”

Antti laughed at him, another thing Thomas wasn’t sure he liked in bed, and kissed him.

“You weren’t compensating for anything,” he whispered, emphasis on the _anything_ and Thomas grinned hard, a blush he wasn’t proud of spreading over his face.  

\--

This was _happening_. 

His heart pounded and his brain was kind of shorting out but Antti felt different from last time, felt different than months before. He was still scared- the sudden clench of his stomach told him as much when Thomas’ hands gently coaxed his thighs open- but it felt secondhand almost, like Antti could get past it.

It felt _old_ and Antti wanted to do this for the first time in a long time.

He made a noise of discontent when Thomas’ hands were suddenly absent and threw a pout at the other man’s back. Thomas was leaning off the bed and Antti’s eyes wrinkled in momentary confusion until he leaned back clutching a condom and bottle of lube. 

Antti’s heart dropped a bit and he leaned up to kiss Thomas hard, trying to force the feeling away. 

He could _do this._

Thomas settled his hands on Antti’s hips, leaning heavily on him to trail kisses down Antti’s chest. Antti’s breath hitched almost painfully and he forced down the war going on in his head, he tried to forcibly slam the door closed on the noisy interruptions. His brain _screamed_ at him to remember what Cris had done, to remind him how that had felt, to ask why he thought Thomas wouldn’t do the same, and his heart and body tried to drag him back to the present. 

Calloused hands closed around his dick and he let out a noise halfway between a moan and a strangled cry. Thomas chuckled against his neck where he was still working on that damn hickey, apparently determined to make it as dark as possible. Antti felt the vibrations from the laughter reverberate against him and a shudder ran through him, and that was _it_ , the door slammed on the fucking war in his head.

He moaned again, louder, knowing what it did to the other man. Predictably, Thomas let out a string of German curses, sounding strangled. Antti shoved at his shoulder, pushed him off of him. Thomas went easily, rolling onto his back and Antti took advantage, straddling him. He quirked an amused eyebrow at the look on Thomas’ face, somewhere between incredibly fucking turned on and agitated at being dethroned as the dominator so quickly. 

Antti bit his lip, swallowing hard and leaned forward, biting Thomas’ shoulder lightly as retribution before moving on, moving down. He fought back a grin at every fucking sound he drew from Thomas, instead focusing on how incredibly hot those sounds were and how he could possibly hear them again. 

Glancing up at Thomas’ flushed face, he smirked, pleased with himself. Thomas was gripping his sheets so hard his knuckles were white and his breathing was stuttered. Licking his lips, Antti nipped at Thomas’ inner thigh and _shit_ Thomas made the best fucking noise yet. Antti took a deep breath, ignoring his fast-beating heart and briefly closed his eyes.

_Not Cristobal, not Cristobal, not Cristobal_ he repeated in his head. This wasn’t Cristobal, this was _Thomas_ and Antti would be _fine._

Antti slid a careful hand around the base of Thomas’ dick and Thomas whimpered a bit. Smiling triumphantly to himself, he slowly licked up the side, deliberately drawing it out for as long as possible, waiting to hear how much German he could hear. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” Thomas chanted, and Antti closed his mouth around the head. Thomas jerked up a bit and Antti dug his nails warningly into his hip.

“Sorry,” Thomas gasped out. Antti ignored him and shut his eyes. He knew what to do- he was kind of ashamed to admit he’d been doing this for awhile- but he felt..... automatic when he did it. Like it required no thought, no feeling, and he was tired of doing something that really made him feel like shit. He couldn’t just _stop_ though, not when he’d just begun, and fucking hell, his stomach churned.

A hand gently cupped his cheek, and Thomas tilted Antti’s face up. His eyes held that look Antti was way too familiar with, the look that clearly told him _“Antti, I know you’re hiding something. Antti, I know what you’re thinking. Just tell me.”_

Apparently, being incredibly turned on didn’t take anything away from this particular talent, and Antti turned his face into Thomas’ palm and let him lead him up. They pressed nose to nose, frantic touches momentarily stilled and forgotten, and Thomas gently leaned forward those last few inches and kissed Antti. 

“Look at me?” he requested and Antti forced his gaze up from where he was steadily staring into Thomas’ shoulder. He reluctantly met Thomas’ eyes and accepted the soft peck to his cheek.

“Yeah?” he asked quietly and Thomas tilted his head.

“We don’t have to do this, Antti,” Thomas said, carefully enunciating every word. “We don’t have to do _anything._ It is up to _you._ ” 

Antti had heard this speech before, heard it every time they felt like the might be moving forward, and every time, Antti put on the brakes, knowing he couldn’t lie to Thomas and that he didn’t want to, anyway.

This time, it burst something in Antti, it hit him hard, and he yanked Thomas’ face down to kiss him desperately, trying to convey words he didn’t even know how to say. He really, really hoped Thomas got the message, hoped he could understand this like he understood everything else, and let his eyes fall shut.

Thomas pulled back and Antti felt his thumbs swipe down his cheekbones before he took a deep breath and looked across at Thomas again. 

“I want to,” he promised, and it was _true_ , he did, he really did. “I just don’t like.....that.”

“So don’t do it,” Thomas said simply and Antti nodded. He bit his lip and Thomas smiled affectionately. Wrapping his arms around Antti’s torso, he gently flipped them over, straddling Antti and pressing him into the mattress. Antti gave a stuttered moan as their hips rolled together and Jesus, Thomas’ eyes went wide.

He fumbled with something above his head and Antti heard the cap pop open and he stilled. Thomas caught his eye and Antti swallowed.

“Yes,” he said, and Thomas leaned down to kiss him, hands gently coaxing Antti’s legs open. 

His heart _hammered._

He reached up and dragged Thomas’ closer. The German got the message and dropped kisses all over Antti’s face, soothing and distracting and by the time Thomas got back to Antti’s lips, his muscles had calmed themselves down.

Thomas’ thumbs rubbed circles into Antti’s hips, then his lower back, then down. Antti wound a hand in Thomas’ hair when he felt the coldness of the lube against his entrance and Thomas paused.

“Antti....” he whispered quietly, pressing a kiss above the Finn’s ear. He didn’t need to complete his question, Antti understood, and he nodded before pulling back to look up at Thomas.

“Yes, Thomas,” he said and the other man leaned back down quickly to press a kiss against the hickey on Antti’s neck. “Yes.”

Before he quite knew what was happening, he felt fingers slide into him, and ok, that didn’t feel too bad. He resolutely told his brain to shut the fuck up and closed his eyes against Thomas’ neck. 

Thomas worked him open, pausing ever so often to gently remind Antti to relax, _relax, babe, relax for me_. By the time Thomas was nearly done, Antti had calmed down to the point of panting eagerlyf into Thomas’ ear.

Thomas fucking stopped the slide of his fingers and Antti impatiently nipped his earlobe, earning a breathless laugh from the German. Without warning, Thomas bent his fingers just so and holy _fuck_ Antti had forgotten how _good_ this felt, like actual lightning was shooting across his skin and his hips bucked down onto Thomas’ fingers. He moaned, letting his head fall back onto the pillow and arching his back enough to cause Thomas to curse in German.

Antti decided he liked those words and reached up to re-tangle his fingers in Thomas’ hair. The tearing of the condom wrapper barely registered in his mind, and when it did it had a hard time filtering through the haze of pleasure Antti felt. _Shit_ when had Thomas grabbed his dick and _God_ if he didn’t keep going Antti was going to _scream_ and he whined low and deep in his throat when Thomas’ hand disappeared from where it needed to be.

Thomas chuckled at him and Antti forced his eyes to open, unable to articulate anything beyond panting and the name of the man on top of him. He felt something press against his entrance and he realized with a jolt that it was Thomas’ dick and this was _happening._ Thomas gently grabbed Antti’s chin and turned his face up and looked at him. He waited and Antti knew what he wanted but he couldn’t _speak_ so he licked his lips and nodded again. 

Thomas captured Antti’s lips in a firm kiss, and pressed forward. Antti gasped into Thomas’ mouth and _fuck_ it hurt, but not like what he expected, not nearly as bad as he’d thought, so he just took a deep breath and tried to relax, adjust around the intrusion. Thomas’ hand gently swiped through his hair and cradled his face and Antti felt _safe_.

“Go,” he whispered, and kissed Thomas’ cheek. 

He listened and Antti couldn’t help but hold his breath as Thomas slowly, _slowly_ sliding in until he was all the way inside and _this is what Antti had waited for_. He squirmed, uncomfortable, and Thomas reached down and urged Antti’s legs up and around his hips, changing the angle and suddenly it felt a hell of a lot better. 

Antti groaned as Thomas gripped his hips and moved and his thumbs pressed _sohardjustright_ on his skin and Antti saw stars, he swore he did. He arched up and met Thomas on every thrust, yanking him down for probably the sloppiest kiss they’d ever shared but he _didn’t care_ just wanted to reach, grab, touch, _everything_ as long as Thomas kept _moving_ because it felt like Antti was on fire.

Thomas was cursing in a broken mix of English and German and Antti couldn’t understand a word because _shit_ even _Finnish_ was almost gone, and he was wordless, just crying out with moans and incoherent noises that may have been Thomas’ name. He really couldn’t tell because the other man pulled one hand away from Antti’s hip and reached between them and he felt Thomas’ hand close around his aching dick just as Thomas brushed against that spot deep in him and that was _it._

Thomas’ lips swallowed up Antti’s cry as he came, clenching hard around Thomas, and the German stiffened and groaned out Antti’s name into the Finn’s lips. Antti was trembling hard, and Thomas was no better, a collapsed weight against Antti’s body as they both struggled to catch their breath.

Thomas recovered first, reaching up to cup Antti’s cheek, lips fluttering lightly all over Antti’s sweaty skin. It took Antti a few moments to realize Thomas was breathing words with his kisses, whispering them over and over like he wanted them imprinted on Antti’s skin.

“ _Ich liebe dich.”_

“Thomas,” Antti murmured, voice feeling lost in the easy silence between them. Thomas’ lips left his collarbone and found Antti’s again and Antti felt sure he was floating and couldn’t come down- but it was ok as long as Thomas was floating with him. Antti felt a hand back at his hip and winced a bit as Thomas pulled out.

“Sorry, babe,” Thomas said quietly, kissing his forehead and Antti gave him a small smile. He stretched up as Thomas leaned away, pulling the condom off and tossing it in the general vicinity of his trash can. Antti reached over the side of the bed, fishing around for his t-shirt, and Thomas took it from him with another smile.

Antti grinned back, feeling slightly stupid and Thomas gently cleaned them both up before throwing the shirt in the same direction as the condom, muttering about dealing with it later.

Antti pushed himself up, tugging the sheets back and climbing under them, tugging Thomas with him. The German evidently had no objections as he promptly pulled Antti closer, prompting a soft laugh from his boyfriend.

“I knew you liked to cuddle,” Antti teased, voice low and into Thomas’ chest. The other man huffed and tightened his arms around Antti, burying his face into Antti’s hair, sweaty as it was.

“Happy birthday,” he chose to reply instead and Antti’s returning smile was so big it threatened to fall off his face. He buried his face into Thomas’ shoulder and the other man gently ran his fingers down Antti’s side, lulling them both into sleepy and content silence.

“Thomas?” Antti asked nervously, clinging to the precipice of consciousness and sleep. Thomas stirred briefly, and Antti clung without meaning to.

“Hmm?” Thomas answered, the sound low and rumbling in his chest. Antti pressed his lips to Thomas’ collarbone before looking up, angling his voice to make sure Thomas heard it.

“ _Minä rakastan sinua,”_ he whispered, and there was a long pause where Antti could hear his heartbeat in his ears. 

“ _Ich liebe dich auch,”_ Thomas’ voice almost broke and Antti arched up to kiss him gently before allowing Thomas to tug him back into his arms again. He pressed himself close to the other man, closed his eyes, and _breathed._

**Author's Note:**

> Nemo's birthday is in August, so I figured that enough time had passed for him to be comfortable sleeping around Thomas, and maybe ready for the next step. A lot of people said it was confusing, so I decided to clarify :)


End file.
